I Should Have Known
High-Conflict Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
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I’ve gone back and forth, an internal battle, debating if I should even publish this story. It’s not my story to tell. I’m just a character, but I am not the main character.
The main character is my nine-year-old daughter, stuck in the middle of myself and her dad. Trust me, I am doing everything within my power and within my reach to take her out of the middle, keeping the ‘fight’ between the two adults. It’s nearly impossible when you’re co-parenting with a narcissist.
Without saying, most parents want what is best for their child(ren). During our marriage, my husband and I disagreed the most on our parenting styles. I should have known that a divorce would not make parenting any easier.
Before the dirty details, it’s important to give credit where credit is due. I am proud to say that our co-parenting started out strong.
My daughter was three when we split, but her father and I made it a point to make the holidays an easy transition. We spent the holidays together during the first year following our divorce.
The communication between myself and her dad was strong. Daily phone communication, texting to make arrangements, emails for events and big decisions. We didn’t need attorneys because we agreed on everything.
I didn’t take his retirement, he didn’t fight my first right of refusal. We agreed on parenting time and holiday schedules. Things were easy.
What changed? I cannot prove what changed, but I can share what my daughter and I started to experience.
When my daughter was four, she came home home (to the home I provided) and said, “Daddy had four girls sleep in our house last night” and “three girls slept in my bed at daddy’s house.”
Naturally, I confronted my daughter’s dad/my ex-husband about having strangers sleeping at his house while she is in his care. He accused my daughter of lying.
Personally, I don’t know of any four-year-old child capable of lying while telling a story.
Sure, if you ask a four-year-old if they ate a cookie from the cookie jar, they might lie. But lying about a detailed story, with four girls in her house? No way! I trust her.
Before anyone defends my daughter’s father, saying that my ex-husband’s love life is none of my business, I have things to say:
- Correct. Not only is your love life none of my business, I couldn’t care less who he loves. I care who is around my daughter;
- I want to know about anyone spending a significant amount of time around my daughter, including and not limited to the following: babysitters, partners and friends.
- Before we physically separated, her father and I decided that we would introduce one another to any future partner before we introduced our partner to our daughter. We shook on it.
- I showed my ex-husband the common curtesy of introducing him to my neighbors, to my friends, to my hired babysitters and he was provided with their contact information.
I guess I expected mutual respect.
Once I realized he was lying and gaslighting us, I grew more concerned about my daughter’s safety and our ability to co-parent.
I pushed and pushed for my daughter’s dad to be honest with me. I wanted to know if he was allowing new people to be around my daughter and sleep in the same house. He continued to lie and deny, so I continued to push.
Being divorced didn’t mean that I forfeit all rights to having a healthy relationship with my daughter and her father. Making our divorce easier on our daughter was always my goal. I envisioned spending time together on holidays, celebrating birthday parties together. Even going on vacations as a “family,” even if it’s a broken family.
I wanted to be best friends with her dad. Looking back, I think I pushed too hard because I never would have expected things to change from healthy co-parenting to toxic co-parenting in the blink of an eye.
I should have known things were changing when my daughter’s dad would express concern that our communication and spending time together on holidays would be “confusing” to our daughter. He thought that having clear communication and being kind to one another would confuse our daughter.
Naturally, I disagreed. I disagreed that having a healthy co-parenting relationship would confuse our daughter. If anything, it would show our daughter how much we love and prioritize her happiness.
Looking back, it seems like my daughter’s dad was coming up with excuses to stop healthy co-parenting around the time strangers were sleeping in my daughter’s bed.
Based on my daughter’s nuggets of information about strangers spending time in her house, I felt compelled to pressure her dad to share this person’s name and contact information with me.
I know, I know. It sound creepy and maybe that’s where I went wrong. Maybe I came across as jealous, but it was in the best interest of my daughter.
I just wanted to introduce myself to the person spending so much time in the same house as my daughter, the person babysitting my daughter while her dad was at work.
He had the chance to take control by introducing me to the person he was dating, the person that was spending the night in the same house as my daughter, but he still refused.
When did I finally meet his new girlfriend? On my daughter’s first day of Kindergarten.
Walking my daughter through the court yard, in her sweet little uniform, full of excited nerves for her first day of school, we were so selfish by making it awkward for our daughter.
If you expected my daughter’s dad to introduce his new girlfriend to me, the mother of his daughter, you’d be disappointed. Instead, my daughter encouraged me saying “mommy, go shake her hand.”
That’s right. My daughter, the five-year-old, on her first day of kindergarten, was more concerned about me feeling comfortable with the new woman living in her home than she was about her first day of Kindergarten.
I set my nerves aside to approach my daughter’s dad, his girlfriend and her three children (also on their first day of school as our daughter), to introduce myself. Reaching out my hand, it was left…. hanging. She left me hanging!! In front of my daughter.
Don’t worry about me. My poor daughter!
I felt so bad for her. I wondered if she picked up on the awkward encounter or if she was still young enough that it would be missed altogether.
A few short weeks later, after we finally met, I invited the new girlfriend to the indoor playground so the four kids could play while we drank coffee. I just wanted to get to know her and I wanted her to understand where I was coming from.
One mother to another, I thought she would understand. I thought she would empathize. Maybe she could put herself in my shoes.
Boy, was I wrong! Apparently she didn’t think it would be good idea to meet where the children would see us, implying physical violence. If you don’t believe me, I have receipts.
Being an unconfrontational person, I dropped it until I had to see her again.
During the Kindergarten Christmas school celebration, while walking out to the car with my daughter’s hand in mine, we were followed and threatened by the new girlfriend.
We were followed and threatened because the new girlfriend wanted to “step outside” during my daughter’s Christmas celebration at school. I simply told the new girlfriend that this was not the time nor the place.” Therefore, we were chased to the car.
Looking back, I know things went off the deep end once my daughter’s father was dating this new woman with three small children. He moved her into their home immediately upon dating.
Red flags all over the place. What mother moves her three children in with her new boyfriend? That should have been the first red flag, but I missed it.
I should have known. If we couldn’t communicate while married, then why did I expect things to work while were were divorced?
I should have known.
