I Finally Did Something I Should Have Done Decades Ago
I Already Feel the Weight Lifted Off My Shoulders
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Where do I start?
My mom is a woman that carries a lot of shame. Likely from her father being a pastor, me being born out of wedlock shortly after my mother turned 21 and a family history of trauma. So, my mother having four children from three different men would be a reason to keep this big secret I’m about to share.
From stories I’ve been told by my Aunt and my mother’s parents, my father left before I was born.
According to my father, he left because my mother was given an ultimatum from her father (the pastor); My mother had to choose between having support from her parents or staying with my father. She chose to leave my father in order to keep the support from my grandparents.
As the saying goes: there are three sides to every story. Her side, his side and the truth.
I’ll never know the actual truth because my father died in 2018 and I cut my mother out of my life because she refused to divorce the man that physically, emotionally and financially abused me from age two through 17.
For context (and my mental health), I don’t call my biological mother “mom.” That blessing of a title is reserved for my step-mother. I call my biological mother by her government name, Rachelle.
Rachelle married Stan when I was about 18 months old and she remains married to him now, 34 years later. That’s not to say their marriage is without flaws.
When I was 8 years old, just finishing 2nd grade in the summer of 1996, Rachelle left behind my little brother with Stan, taking me and my little sister from Colorado back to our home state of Arizona.
We lived with my Aunt and Uncle for a few months until my mom was able to get back on her feet.
During these few months, I felt so happy and safe. Stan was no longer able to abuse me or try to kill me.
While we were living in Colorado, Stan had been physically and emotionally abusing me, threatening that if I ever told my mom about the abuse, that he would kill my mom and send me away on a bus to never return.
I told my mom about the abuse and that’s when she left Colorado back to Arizona. We were free from Stan and the abuse.
My mom seemed happy. She started dating and I felt so hopeful that she would marry a man that I had grown to adore. This man eventually asked me for my mother’s hand in marriage.
Then, BAM! By October of 1997, my worst nightmare came true. Stan lured Rachelle back into his trap, Rachelle broke up off the engagement.
I was back to living in the same house with Stan, all five of us living in the same house again; Rachelle, Stan, my younger brother Cody and my younger sister, Charlee.
On the evening of November 22, 1997, Stan dropped me off with my two younger siblings to be babysat by my older cousins. The following day, Stan arrived home, announcing that Rachelle gave birth to a baby girl, Jessica Lynn.
Rachelle “didn’t know” she was pregnant and “gave birth the previous night.”
Rachelle wanted everyone, her family and Stan’s family, to believe that she was pregnant with Stan’s baby for the last nine months and was not aware.
If I didn’t quite draw out the math for you, Rachelle was not dating Stan nine months prior to giving birth. In fact, Rachelle was not dating Stan even three weeks before giving birth to my little sister, Jessica.
This happened in 1997. I was only 9 and was bright enough then to start questioning the math. I would overhear conversations from family members.
Then, one day, I overheard Stan telling a family friend that he knew Jessica was not his biological daughter.
Stan was pretending to be Jessica’s father because Stan owed Rachelle thousands of dollars in child support. So, to avoid Rachelle taking Stan back to court, Stan agreed to pretend to be Jessica’s father. This would cover Rachelle’s shame of having four children with three fathers.
For the last 25 years, I have known Jessica is not Stan’s daughter. I have been carrying this burden, but have been able to share with those that ask. Those asking are Stan’s nieces and nephews.
I have told my maternal Aunt and grandmother. Stan’s older brother and sister-in-law also know that Stan is not Jessica’s father because Stan’s sister-in-law met Rachelle’s boyfriend in March 1997, 8 months prior to November 1997.
Of course, Rachelle and Stan could have been sleeping together. There’s that chance. However, I know what Rachelle’s boyfriend looked like in 1996–1997 and he looks like Jessica’s father.
So, I have been carrying around this burden since I was nine. I finally broke and reached out to Jessica, letting her know that she may want to consider doing a DNA test or asking Stan to perform a paternity test. I also offered to assist her in locating people she finds in the DNA test results.
What would you have done in my shoes?