I Finally Did Something I Should Have Done Decades Ago

I Already Feel the Weight Lifted Off My Shoulders

Photo by Hester Ras on Unsplash

Where do I start?

My mom is a woman that carries a lot of shame. Likely from her father being a pastor, me being born out of wedlock shortly after my mother turned 21 and a family history of trauma. So, my mother having four children from three different men would be a reason to keep this big secret I’m about to share.

From stories I’ve been told by my Aunt and my mother’s parents, my father left before I was born.

According to my father, he left because my mother was given an ultimatum from her father (the pastor); My mother had to choose between having support from her parents or staying with my father. She chose to leave my father in order to keep the support from my grandparents.

As the saying goes: there are three sides to every story. Her side, his side and the truth.

I’ll never know the actual truth because my father died in 2018 and I cut my mother out of my life because she refused to divorce the man that physically, emotionally and financially abused me from age two through 17.

For context (and my mental health), I don’t call my biological mother “mom.” That blessing of a title is reserved for my step-mother. I call my biological mother by her government name, Rachelle.

Rachelle married Stan when I was about 18 months old and she remains married to him now, 34 years later. That’s not to say their marriage is without flaws.

When I was 8 years old, just finishing 2nd grade in the summer of 1996, Rachelle left behind my little brother with Stan, taking me and my little sister from Colorado back to our home state of Arizona.

We lived with my Aunt and Uncle for a few months until my mom was able to get back on her feet.

During these few months, I felt so happy and safe. Stan was no longer able to abuse me or try to kill me.

While we were living in Colorado, Stan had been physically and emotionally abusing me, threatening that if I ever told my mom about the abuse, that he would kill my mom and send me away on a bus to never return.