Finding Out My Husband Had an Affair
For a brief history, I wrote I Should Have Known. I discuss how I should have seen the signs where I was losing my healthy co-parenting partner as he slipped away into a toxic, romantic relationship and we entered into high-conflict co-parenting.
If you missed it, I said our co-parenting started out smoothly. Even after we separated, we spent our first few holidays together without a hitch.
Our daughter’s fourth Christmas, our first Christmas since separating, the three of us spent it together. I’d say it was better than our last Christmas as a married couple.
We were divorced, but we weren’t a broken family. My goal was to make the least amount of changes in our daughter’s life and to make co-parenting my highest priority, but I should have ensured that was also his goal. That’s where I went wrong.
I can vividly recall a time when my husband, at the time, were sitting outside of a Starbucks and agreed that in our upcoming separation, we would always prioritize our co-parenting relationship.
We even cited friends of ours that were co-parenting rockstars, they would be our role models in our upcoming divorce. We wanted to be friends and for our future partners to also be friends. There were no questions.
Just because we were going to divorce, didn’t mean it had to be ugly.
It was too good to be true.
Once I noticed a change in my ex-husband’s behavior, is when I should have known what I am about to share.
Things went downhill fast and I couldn’t understand the reason. I blamed myself.
I still blame myself at times.
Coincidentally, hours after posting I Should Have Known, I found out that my ex-husband was in a relationship with another woman while we were married.
I asked for a divorce in 2016 and I found out in 2023 that my husband was seeing another woman while we were still married.
How do I reconcile this information?
Is this something to be sad about? Should I be mad? Am I to be resentful?
I lost my love for him long before I asked for a divorce and I started healing once I finally left the marriage, but now this information really adds a new layer.
Do I start healing from the beginning? Am I hurt that he had an affair? I think I feel hurt because now I see where the fracture started, where our marriage started to fracture.
Sometimes I wish I never found out about the affair, but I’m also grateful because many blurry images have become clear.
I’ve learning that every day is a healing journey. One foot in front of the other. The most important person in my life is watching everything I do and I cannot give up. This will all be worth it in the end.